Being the love of an avoidant is fascinating and challenging at the same time. An avoidant’s nature of hiding their feelings due to the fear of being mocked or criticized might cause trouble.
You are not sure if he is serious with you. There is a moment he shows big signs of love, and the other time he creates a wall of distance, leaving you wondering, “What in the world is wrong with that guy?”
An avoidant is neither confused about admitting his love nor is he having mood swings. It is his avoidant nature that makes him show confusing behavior. Learning their nature will help you understand their responses.
I have met people who complain about their avoidant friends and partners because they never make their position clear.
“John met me yesterday, we had a memorable evening, he grabbed my hand, smiled at me but this morning, I don’t know what happened to him he was not answering my calls, he didn’t talk to me,” complained Lisa.
Does he love me or not?
John has an avoidant personality disorder which inhibits his ability to be emotionally consistent. But there are some clear signs from which Lisa can deduce if he loves her or not.
Few things to consider about an avoidant
- People with avoidant personality disorder constantly feel inadequate and fear being judged negatively (criticized) by others. They want to interact with others but avoid social situations due to the fear of rejection.
- About 2.4% of the people in the United States are thought to have an avoidant personality disorder.
- A person with an avoidant personality disorder has experienced rejection from their parents or peers in the past.
- They are extremely anxious and fearful in social situations and relationships, avoiding social activities.
| Attachment Style | Avoidance | Anxiety | Behavior |
| Avoidant attachment style | High | Low | Love independencePrefer their needsReluctant to start a romantic relationship |
| Anxious attachment style | Low | High | Insecure about relationship |
| Secure attachment style | Low | Low | Willing to have physical intimacy and commitment in relationship |
| Fearful-avoidant attachment style | High | High | They always fear that their partner would not be honest to them |
14 Signs an Avoidant Loves You
1. Subtle cues of love
If an avoidant loves you, he may show some subtle love cues. These cues are not explicit admission of love; they are significantly obvious.
Did you notice that your partner was cheerful in your last meeting and reluctant to leave? It is a sign he is hiding something for you in his heart.
Similarly, look for these subtle cues of love to spot love in your avoidant partner:
- gazing into your eyes
- Slight adjustments in one’s appearance to look perfect
- Light touch on your hand while talking
- Leaning towards you
2. Indirectly sharing feelings
When an avoidant loves you, he would most likely share his feelings with you indirectly, and it might be through his body language or special love gestures.
When he’s around, you will feel special. He might pleasantly tease you. And you will have his undivided attention in your meetings.
He will pay attention to your likes and dislikes; for example, he will take you to your favorite restaurant, order your favorite food, etc.
He will introduce you to his family members and close friends. Being an avoidant, he may have changes in his moods, and you may feel everything has suddenly disappeared; he fears that you would crush his feelings at the end of the day.
It is complicated to decipher an avoidant’s behavior, but once you master understanding an avoidant, you might have no serious problem with him ever.
3. Sharing fears and vulnerabilities
Sharing fears is not an avoidant trait; only special people have that privilege. We share our fears with someone we trust, who would not judge us or make fun of us.
Jim is characterized by hypersensitivity towards being rejected or mocked. He avoids speaking in social settings and with individuals due to the fear of criticism.
It is a big deal if an avoidant shares his vulnerabilities to you, revealing that he loves you.
4. They believe that you won’t criticize them
Have you wondered if your avoidant partner doesn’t fear that you would criticize him? You have assured him that you are not like other people.
This assurance brings trust to your relationship and strengthens your bonding. The avoidant would speak to you without all fears and restraints, and that is how you would see their true self, which was blurred by their sense of inadequacy.
5. A sense of relaxation in your company
Avoidants feel uncomfortable in social gatherings because they fear screwing up or looking foolish.
They would not get involved in a social setting unless they are sure to be accepted. If you see your avoidant friend is relaxed and comfortable with you, it is a sign that he loves you.
6. They avoid trying it hard
You might observe an avoidant trying his best to be perfect. Even if it is casual talk, they would be seriously giving their opinion with zero tolerance for making fun of them.
When an avoidant develops intimacy with you, he will not push to forge himself perfectly in front of you.
7. Lengthy pleasant conversations
A lengthy conversation signifies intimacy, deep understanding, coherence in the ideology, and trust. Your avoidant guy is not a talkative person with most people, but his talks seem never-ending when it comes to you.
You both seamlessly share your thoughts, feelings, experiences, ambitions, and stories, and it feels like the person you’re talking to might be pretending to be an avoidant in front of the rest of the world.
They might not be pretending to be avoidant; the bond between you and him fades away the sense of inadequacy in your avoidant guy.
8. You make them feel accepted
One of the biggest fears of avoidants is that the world won’t accept them, and it makes them run away from people and avoid social gatherings, etc.
On the other hand, you make him feel accepted; you respect his opinions, care about his feelings and avoid pushing him towards his emotional threshold.
9. Sharing fantasies
When an avoidant shares his fantasies and intimate thoughts, it means he loves you.
An avoidant rarely tells about his intimate thoughts due to the fear of shame.
Even if he didn’t share his fantasies, it is completely OK.
10. A sense of independence
Being with you in a relationship and still having complete independence would attract an avoidant.
When John sees that Sarah is happy in her world and does not act very touchy, he feels more freedom and his heart brimming with love.
Sarah shares a top trait of being independent with John, which gives him good reason to enjoy being around her.
11. They apologize to you
Schumann and Orehek’s research shows that you can’t expect an avoidant to apologize to you. An apology is an admission of failure and a demonstration of willingness to change. An avoidant’s fear and tendency to defend their presumed inadequacy would not allow them to apologize.
On the other hand, if a person apologizes to someone, it is an indication that he cares about that person.
If he apologizes to you and strives to fix your mood, that’s the start of a loving relationship.
12. An extraordinary bonding
Jim stays longer with you; he doesn’t ask you to stay; maybe it is his threshold.
Jim never takes the first step in ending a meeting with Lisa; it seems like he wants to stay for as much time as possible.
An avoidant guy avoids getting closer to someone; they fear being crushed or left alone halfway. This fear does not allow them to make strong bonding; they would pull back immediately if they spot that the other person is getting unusually close.
13. Accepting disagreements
Accepting disagreements is rare among avoidants. You might feel as if they have no respect for others’ opinions, but it is not about others; it is about them.
He can’t handle the sense of being wrong. Are you suggesting they are inadequate in their thinking? Or do you think their opinions are unworthy of being considered?
These assumptions would torture an avoidant.
But when your avoidant guy respects your opinion and tolerates disagreements, it is a big sign that you have some special place in their heart
14. They hold your hand unexpectedly
Holding someone’s hand is an extraordinary act; it has deeper meanings, subtle signs, and pleasant cues that a person is highly affectionate towards you.
7 Ways to Make an Avoidant Miss You
1. Be independent
Independence is the most powerful tool that can make people follow you, love you, and care for you.
If you want to gain an avoidant’s attention, make him believe that it doesn’t affect you if he pays no attention to you.
Picture yourself being around an avoidant; you were smiling, energetic, talkative, and supportive, but when it comes to the avoidant, it doesn’t affect you whether he’s maintaining the same attitude towards you or not.
It is the scenario that will make him fall in love with you.
2. Show some distance
As the proverb goes, “absence makes the heart grow fonder,” it becomes more useful in an avoidant’s case. If you want to make the avoidant miss you, it is better to have some self-induced distance.
3. Avoid suffocating the avoidant
The term suffocating best describes how an avoidant feels when you get too much into him. By default, they seek independence and avoid serious commitment.
When an avoidant smells someone is getting closer to them, he would feel crowded or driven to a serious relationship.
It doesn’t mean they would never have a relationship, and the catch is to make the avoidant guy feel distant.
4. Patience is paramount
Dealing with an avoidant is not the same as dealing with a normal person; it demands extra patience. You will be required to wait, ignore his mood swings, show distance, and you can’t do these things without patience
5. Explore your aspirations
Explore what you want to achieve in your life. Do you already have a career and want to be the best at what you do? Even if you don’t have, learn some skills and engage yourself in healthy activities.
Having your world will dramatically lower your dependence on your avoidant guy.
Seeing you busy and ambitious about your goal will make him more interested in you. He might be interested in teaming up with you, and your relationship will go to another level.
6. Find common hobbies
If your avoidant guy loves fishing or playing video games, you can join him through those channels.
Try to be good at what he does, bring him into your competition, and develop an enthusiasm in him to beat you. That’s a great way to engage an avoidant.
Next time, when you are not around, he will feel an urge to have you along.
7. Hold back on your emotions
Avoidant Laura confessed her love in front of Bill; she acted strangely that evening; everything was unexpected. She shared how she always felt about Bill and how she loved him.
Should Bill allow his emotions to get dominant and make him say everything he was hiding?
It is more appropriate to hold back; telling everything about your feelings to your partner makes you more vulnerable. Don’t get me wrong; I am not saying to hide everything about your feelings; all I am saying is to avoid being hysterical.
Final Words
Are you wondering if an avoidant cares about you?
What makes him act differently from others?
I hope the above-stated signs would have answered most of your queries. If you conclude there’s no serious thing going on between you and the guy, consider leaving him.
